The eyes of a MOTHER

Yesterday had one theme that seemed to keep popping up... MOTHERHOOD.

I had an AWESOME Friday (at work as well for a change) and I was feeling extremely excited about the weekend. I knew that I was probably just going to be home on my own relaxing and rejuvenating..., but as happy as I was with the thought of having some quiet time on my own I did not quite feel all too satisfied with the idea .... I was going to spend the whole weekend thinking over thoughts... looking for more thoughts to think about...

Actually, I think too much most of the time...

I looked at my friend's status update on gtalk and I wondered what she could possibly mean by what she was saying... she said she was going to see her godchild this afternoon and she seemed extremely excited about it! As it turns out, she and her husband were asked to be godparents for their (and my) friends' baby who is due to be born early in November and she was going to the next sonar appointment with the soon to be mother. Now, don't get me wrong here... I am extremely happy about that. It is already exhiliarating enough that our friends are pregnant with their first child. I am so happy for both of them.. they are going to be GREAT parents! But in my happiness (for them), I became sad.

It was actually so silly, but at the same time such a normal emotion. Knowing they were godparents sent my thoughts all over the place. I thought about myself and my current circumstances and how I am not even remotely near being in the situation to be considered for such a responsibility. Why am I making this about me when it is not? I made it personal, because I do want that part of my life to start at some point in time...I just sometimes become impatient. I get tired somedays of pretending to be happy with what is currently happening in my personal life. Most of the times I do feel content, but deep deep down it's always there...it's a natural process... we were not made to live alone.. we naturally crave partnership.

So... feeling the way I did I shed a quiet tear at my desk and carried on. I decided that I could not spend my weekend alone and that I would drive myself completely nuts. I sms'ed a friend and told her that I needed to get out and that I wanted to visit her sometime. She agreed that we should do it that same evening. At that point, I couldn't be more pleased with the current turn in events. Instead of staying at home and listen to the bathroom tap drip in the sink or talk to the live fungi on my dirty dishes, I was going to go out a bit and spend time with some other single friends to distract my mind.

I dressed up. I put on some make up. I looked in the mirror and looked into my own eyes and thought "go on now and just be you and don't think for longer than 2 seconds about anything..if that long".

The plan was to chat at my friend's house a little bit, drink some wine, relax and go out for Sushi. We arrived at the venue and I was looking for a parking spot when I saw a woman pushing a babystroller and her husband walking with their little boy (he couldn't have been more than 4 years old). I saw an open space between two cars and I started to pull into it. It seemed a bit too narrow so we agreed that I would pull out and look for another spot.

Suddenly the woman, who saw me starting to pull into the parking space, ran towards me..furiously waving her arms and having an extremely angry expression in her face...no it wasn't just anger... I saw some desperation in there as well.

I rolled down my window and she explained to me with very little patience how they deliberately left the parking spot open for her little boy to get into the car from that particular side, as he has had a serious operation a while ago and he has a special seat on that side of the car etc....

She carried on for a while longer and I just didn't know what to say! I just thought first of all that there was no way for us to KNOW what her circumstances were like.. I didn't KNOW that I wasn't suppose to take that parking spot!

I just looked at her... and said "I didn't know..." and I pulled out. She looked away and suddenly I saw something else. She looked embarrassed and hurt at the same time. She looked tired. Her husband looked tired and also slightly embarrassed at that stage because of his wife's sudden irrational outburst.

Maybe their little boy was in trouble. Maybe it was a life threatening operation. Maybe she was just tired from her day...two toddlers can be a lot and especially when one of them needs special attention like that...Maybe there are just things that I would never know or understand and all you can do is have empathy with her...and respect.

Motherhood...I was shown a typical scenario. The tiredness, the hurt, the desperation and protectiveness over her family. It looked like hard work. It looked like you will never have the same level of energy again ever for the rest of your life...She wasn't just being irritated with me.. she was pleading for me to understand why she was so hurt and tired...she was just pleading for the sake of her little boy.

I drove away and said out loud "OMW I hope I am not such a bitch to other people one day when I'm a mom"...and I immediately regretted saying it, because I didn't really mean it...

I was acting out, because what I was ACTUALLY feeling was jealousy....ironically enough...and appreciation for the opportunity to have had a glance into,

...The eyes of a MOTHER.

Bad Service... what else is new?!

Ag dis nou al so 'n boring topic ek is seker, maar ek MOES net van die geleentheid gebruik maak om ook 'n noot in die psalm te sing oor swak diens... veral deesdae.

Is ek besig om soos 'n ou vrou met 'n nat broek te klink, of is dinge regtig besig om agteruit te gaan? Miskien is dit 'n bietjie van albei. Al ooit opgelet hoe moeilik oumense kan wees? Ek is vas oortuig daarvan dat ouderdom daarmee te doen het! Ek dink jy word ouer en word dan geleidelik al hoe meer gatvol vir almal jonger as jy oor hulle nie dinge kan doen soos wat jy dit doen nie, aangesien jy tog al jare lank op die planeet rondloop en klaar 'n paar goed gesien en gedoen het... jy het die lewenskennis en -ervaring en nou moet jy maar net sit of staan of lê en kyk hoe die jonger gardes dinge heeltemal of opneuk of net pleinweg verkeerd doen!! :D

Dan is daar die moontlikheid dat diens besig is om REGTIG agteruit te beweeg... hier het jou ouderdom en jou houding niks daarmee te doen nie...en ek sien dit oral...

In my opinie: As jy met mense werk dan moet jy hulle met respek behandel.. dit maak nie saak wat se tipe werk jy doen nie!!! Net die blote feit dat jy elke dag blootgestel word aan mense om jou, beteken dat jy die maniere wat jy van jou opvoeding gekry het MOET toepas!!!

...hiehie.... ek weet wat jy nou dink.. dis juis waar die probleem lê, né?

Ongelukkig sit ons met 'n klomp mense in "customer service" wie dalk nie die voorreg gehad het om 'n goeie opvoeding te hê soos ek en jy nie. Hulle is die "minderbevoorregtes" soos ons geleer is kleintyd. Hulle is die mense vir wie ons elke Sondag in Sondagskool gebid het: "Liewe Jesus dankie vir ons kos en ons klere en wees met die minderbevoorregtes...". Ons was heel duidelik te klein om te verstaan wat ons eintlik voor bid. Ek onthou ek het altyd gebid vir die mense agter die ystergordyn...WAT DE HEL WAS DIT?! Is daar dalk 'n ouer leser wie dit vir my kan opklaar asseblief?! En hoekom is ons as kinders gevra om daarvoor te bid?! Dit klink of ek nou impliseer dat ons hierdie mense eintlik moet jammer kry.. 'n vriend van my sal sê: ag shame siestog F**.. (dankie... you know who you are... vir die flippen nice expression!!!)

Eintlik moet jy maar by jouself besluit of jy hulle gaan jammer kry en of jy jou verwagtinge gaan hê... soos wat ek het.

Saterdagmiddag is ek by Wimpy saam met twee vriende. Nou, as jy wil gaan sit en relax en kuier saam met buddies dan wil jy relax... jy wil nie geirriteer word met stront nie. Daargekom, soek ons 'n tafel om te gaan neerplak. Die eerste opsie is bietjie knap en dit was nie afgevee nie. Ek het my hand oor die tafel gevee en daar het sout (en baie sout) op my hand afgekom...so ek is toe officially uitgegross...ons gaan kyk by die tweede tafel...daar lê en wag toe 'n lekker vet mosterd kol op die tafel, maar dit lyk of dit sommer al hard geword het!! SERIOUSLY!! Ons beweeg toe maar terug na die soutgestrooide tafel en ek roep toe maar dadelik die kelnerin om dinge te kom regmaak.

Ek sê toe ook sommer vir haar van die mosterdkol op die ander tafel. Sy vra: "Are you going to sit there?" (dis nou by die mosterd tafel). Ek sê: "No but you need to wipe that off anyway!"...ek meen regtig... dis dalk baie besig in 'n restaurant soms, maar jy vee 'n tafel af as mense daar geëet het en opstaan en huistoe gaan... dis net super swak styl... nou kry jy nuwe customers en dis wat jy vir hulle aanbied: 'n vuil besmeerde tafel waar klein kindertjies heel moontlik gesit en roomys en milkshake mors het en jy moet nou maar eers by die taai gemors gaan sit tot iemand oor 10minute eers dit kom skoonmaak!!

It irritates me.. it really does... het hulle geen benul van 'n health code in die plek nie! (Ou vrou met 'n nat broek.... I KNOW!)

So Sondag is ek Pick & Pay toe vir groceries koop vir die kosmaak mission (wat ek deesdae elke Sondag doen...). Ek het onlangs my Pick & Pay Health Foods card gekry deur Discovery Health en ek is nou moerse pumped up; ek gaan nou kyk of ek kan afslag kry op die gesonde kos wat ek koop! Ek kom by die winkel en gaan "customer services" toe. Daar waar iemand veronderstel was om te sit met 'n moerse smile en gewilligheid om te help, is net 'n leë stoel...

...ek stap oor na die hokkie waar ek altyd elektrisiteit koop en ek vra die jong man of hy dalk vir my kan sê waar die persoon is by customer services. Hy sê: "Sê maar vir my Mevrou EK sal kan help! ". So ek vra toe my baie ingewikkelde vraag:

"Ek wil graag weet of ek die Health Foods kaart eers moet swipe by customer services voor ek die inkopies doen en of ek dit kan doen by die cashier wanneer ek betaal?"

En die friendly helper antwoord: "Wag net gou Mevrou ek sal gou uitvind...". So much for the offer.

I have no further comments...

Die "Wou-da-kom" Weekender Package

Die naweek het weereens gekom en gegaan.


Ek het 'n paar goed gedoen, maar ek was Vrydagaand by die huis, Saterdagoggend heeloggend in my gymklere net om te hoor by my trainer dat sy hooikoors het en ongelukkig ons sessie moet kanselleer (whoopa!!! ek was anyway nog nie heeltemal gesond nie). Julle het nog nie gesien hoe vinnig pluk ek gymklere van my lyf af en klim terug in my jeans nie :D.


So na die gekanselleerde gym session is ek Cape Gate toe en spandeer toe daar heelwat geld en tyd...bietjie te veel as jy my vra..., maar ek dink ek het die retail therapy nodig gehad. Die naweek was net pleinweg te stil en ek was net eenvoudig way te lonely, al het ek myself besig gehou met 'n paar goed so daar was seker nie regtig tyd vir baie kuier nie. Na Cape Gate het ek twee buddies gekry vir koffie by die Wimpy in Zevenwacht Mall. Dit was heel aangenaam om met hulle te chat.


Die aand het ek gaan movie. Die BANFF Mountain Film festival wys net by sekere cinemas in die land en hierdie naweek was dit Kaapstad se beurt by Tygervallei. Dit is 'n reeks kortfilms gemaak deur avontuurlustige mense waar hulle hulle adrenalien opgepompe aktiwiteite vasvang op film. Dit het allerande activities behels insluitende rock climbing en base jumping en sky diving. Dit was ongelooflik om te sien wat hierdie mense kon bereik...hoe hulle alles doen wat ek op hierdie stadium te bang voor is, maar die een ou het dit mooi verduidelik vir my. Hy sê dat dit nie gaan daaroor om bang te wees of om nie bang te wees nie.. almal is actually bang..dis hoe jy oor die vrees voel wat die verskil is...jy moet van die vrees HOU. So daar is my antwoord, m.a.w. ek sal moet leer hoe om van die vrees te HOU. Easier said than done :). Maar ek voel ek gaan daar uitkom. Ek was afterall daar as 'n klein dogtertjie... Ek het altyd op die hoogste klimrame geklim... ek was gutsy... ek was all over the place...ek was lus vir adventure.


So what happened? I got subdued... I grew up too fast... something went wrong and I'm determined to figure out what and get it out of the bloody way. Hoekom is ek so behep hieroor... hoekom is ek so determined om oor my vrese te kom? Want ek voel limited... restricted... en totally incomplete... dis soos 'n tronksel.


Verder het ek gaan shop vir ingredients vir die kos wat ek Sondag sou maak. Ek was Sondag vir tussen 3 en 4 ure op my voete besig om rond te spring in die kombuis en bestanddele te meng en op 'n stadium het ek die twee resepte sommer so gelyk gedoen (dankie tog ek het nie deurmekaar geraak nie). Ek het foto's op my facebook profile gesit so gaan kyk maar daar wat die eindresultate was :).


But the weekend was just too damn lonely.