Yesterday had one theme that seemed to keep popping up... MOTHERHOOD.
I had an AWESOME Friday (at work as well for a change) and I was feeling extremely excited about the weekend. I knew that I was probably just going to be home on my own relaxing and rejuvenating..., but as happy as I was with the thought of having some quiet time on my own I did not quite feel all too satisfied with the idea .... I was going to spend the whole weekend thinking over thoughts... looking for more thoughts to think about...
Actually, I think too much most of the time...
I looked at my friend's status update on gtalk and I wondered what she could possibly mean by what she was saying... she said she was going to see her godchild this afternoon and she seemed extremely excited about it! As it turns out, she and her husband were asked to be godparents for their (and my) friends' baby who is due to be born early in November and she was going to the next sonar appointment with the soon to be mother. Now, don't get me wrong here... I am extremely happy about that. It is already exhiliarating enough that our friends are pregnant with their first child. I am so happy for both of them.. they are going to be GREAT parents! But in my happiness (for them), I became sad.
It was actually so silly, but at the same time such a normal emotion. Knowing they were godparents sent my thoughts all over the place. I thought about myself and my current circumstances and how I am not even remotely near being in the situation to be considered for such a responsibility. Why am I making this about me when it is not? I made it personal, because I do want that part of my life to start at some point in time...I just sometimes become impatient. I get tired somedays of pretending to be happy with what is currently happening in my personal life. Most of the times I do feel content, but deep deep down it's always there...it's a natural process... we were not made to live alone.. we naturally crave partnership.
So... feeling the way I did I shed a quiet tear at my desk and carried on. I decided that I could not spend my weekend alone and that I would drive myself completely nuts. I sms'ed a friend and told her that I needed to get out and that I wanted to visit her sometime. She agreed that we should do it that same evening. At that point, I couldn't be more pleased with the current turn in events. Instead of staying at home and listen to the bathroom tap drip in the sink or talk to the live fungi on my dirty dishes, I was going to go out a bit and spend time with some other single friends to distract my mind.
I dressed up. I put on some make up. I looked in the mirror and looked into my own eyes and thought "go on now and just be you and don't think for longer than 2 seconds about anything..if that long".
The plan was to chat at my friend's house a little bit, drink some wine, relax and go out for Sushi. We arrived at the venue and I was looking for a parking spot when I saw a woman pushing a babystroller and her husband walking with their little boy (he couldn't have been more than 4 years old). I saw an open space between two cars and I started to pull into it. It seemed a bit too narrow so we agreed that I would pull out and look for another spot.
Suddenly the woman, who saw me starting to pull into the parking space, ran towards me..furiously waving her arms and having an extremely angry expression in her face...no it wasn't just anger... I saw some desperation in there as well.
I rolled down my window and she explained to me with very little patience how they deliberately left the parking spot open for her little boy to get into the car from that particular side, as he has had a serious operation a while ago and he has a special seat on that side of the car etc....
She carried on for a while longer and I just didn't know what to say! I just thought first of all that there was no way for us to KNOW what her circumstances were like.. I didn't KNOW that I wasn't suppose to take that parking spot!
I just looked at her... and said "I didn't know..." and I pulled out. She looked away and suddenly I saw something else. She looked embarrassed and hurt at the same time. She looked tired. Her husband looked tired and also slightly embarrassed at that stage because of his wife's sudden irrational outburst.
Maybe their little boy was in trouble. Maybe it was a life threatening operation. Maybe she was just tired from her day...two toddlers can be a lot and especially when one of them needs special attention like that...Maybe there are just things that I would never know or understand and all you can do is have empathy with her...and respect.
Motherhood...I was shown a typical scenario. The tiredness, the hurt, the desperation and protectiveness over her family. It looked like hard work. It looked like you will never have the same level of energy again ever for the rest of your life...She wasn't just being irritated with me.. she was pleading for me to understand why she was so hurt and tired...she was just pleading for the sake of her little boy.
I drove away and said out loud "OMW I hope I am not such a bitch to other people one day when I'm a mom"...and I immediately regretted saying it, because I didn't really mean it...
I was acting out, because what I was ACTUALLY feeling was jealousy....ironically enough...and appreciation for the opportunity to have had a glance into,
...The eyes of a MOTHER.
